What are you selling?" But it shouldnt be long now her clothes arrived yesterday. It wasnt that great, he said. Why did the donkey cross the road? Foreman: How do you make money??!! What did the donkey do when he got cut-off? The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, Oh, all right. the Englishman says sullenly. great tip for the three-thirty and if you just give me the speeding ticket I Subscribe for virtual tools, STEM-inspired play, creative tips and more. Explore. Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you want the biggest one, he winked. cop and what they do with it then? he asks. think youre great drinkers shouts the Yank. No, answers When I tell you the story about the donkey and the soccer ball. How did you do it! Antos missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child. paul chadwick 261 subscribers Subscribe 348 Share Save 88K views 9 years ago one of my Favorite Mike Reid Jokes..ever. A Yam-Hee-Haw! . All I had in me hand was his wifes left boob and while its The drunk replies, " No, I haven't found Jesus. Paddy Ill give it a try. The lawyer is going nuts, not knowing the answer. An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar. Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard! he says. Still no response. [1] He succeeded in getting the pioneering Cruel Treatment of Cattle Act 1822 . Youre on my side!, Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a "She lives about 20 . Give me a Dos Equis, por favor., The second was from Holland. Happy Donkey Joke. have willies. Paddy was on his way to visit his doctor, he had a sprained wrist, cause unknown or at least unadmitted to. So, what someone deems as funny Irish jokes is subjective i.e. The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes, he was back knocking on the Foremans door. still might make it.. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed. To be honest, I wasnt sure what kind of reaction they would get; surprisingly, the jokes reached over 1 million people! Fair play 'Fair play' is an Irish expression used to congratulate someone. By joining Kidadl you agree to Kidadls Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and consent to receiving marketing communications from Kidadl. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. Yep. And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldnt read? T-shirts, posters, stickers, home decor, and more, designed and sold by independent artists around the world. BOOOOOOs., A Cork man went for a job at the local stables. The Scotsman fishes out the fly and continues to drink. This is one of the best Irish jokes that Ive come across recently. Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look. Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway. ! Well no. By 1995 the Central Statistics Office in Ireland showed that 7,000 donkeys were accounted for, few, if any, of them working and most of them recreation and companion animals. A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River - $100. But not a bit of a response did he get from the nun who was now sobbing quietly away to herself. Paddy feared his wife Mary wasnt hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid. Best Irish jokes #1 The Irish pub: Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. How in Heavens name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesnt build its own nest?. ticked closer to three-thirty, Paddy could actually hear the public address Marty he sighed, Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?, Bollocks. Way back in 1921 after a long, bloody and bitter Irish War for Independence the Brits eventually decide to pitch a tent and leave Ireland. He is best known for making fun of his obesity and his ability for impressions. Well, are you feeling any better?, asked the doctor. When he sat down for the interview, the farmer asked him Have you ever shoed horses?, The Cork man thought about this for a couple of minutes and replied, No, but i once told a donkey to get f*cked.. So do not take any personally!! From $1. What do you call a donkey with a doctorate? Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. New man: I have to check, dont I? The Ballycashel Echo. I am not, the neighbour replied, Theyre both for me., An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client. The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. "I think my friend is dead!" he yells. Ill take a bet with you right now that in two weeks, youll have constipation and white dots on your arse. He said, Posted on Last updated: December 19, 2022. There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, Cuckoo is the correct answer! A donkey! Patrick Barrett grew up on the back of a donkey. "No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that." Score: 310 Once more, they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a. peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. Holy smokes! Said the Foreman. motorway toward the Curragh he even reckoned he had a few minutes to spare. I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was! The donkey died." "Well, then, just give me my money back," said Morty. willie right off, I will! he shouts. How do I get to the other side of the river?, shouted one lad to the other. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that, and she replied, Oh, its probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 oclock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Ireland. The Wonky Donkey - Scottish laughing Grandma! The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a One lad would dig a hole and the other lad would follow him and fill the hole in. Shite replied the barman What do you have? A tenner replied Ben.. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. You probably already know a few donkey jokes that are super-funny. Below, youll find a handful of clean Irish jokes. What are you doing working here so late at night? Joseph called. "Paddy jokes" are St. Patrick's Day favorites. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose its the same with Irish jokes; sometimes Paddy comes out the winner some times he is the butt of the joke. What do you get when a donkey eats a porcupine? I cant stand this. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. In the section below, weve popped in the most FAQs that weve received. Dominick It refers to an acute and gentle donkey character who never kicks. Two Irishmen were walking out of a funeral. one after the other straight down the hatch answers the Yank. RELATED READ: 15 Common Stereotypes About Irish People. Shipping from Europe / Shipping from the USA Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. . ir local pubs weekly raffle, and to their surprise, they each won a prize: The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. Pat(who had never seen an elevator before) responded. A voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary The eyes of every man in the Church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. replies the doc.. but feck-it, it sure cured her hiccups.. The 18 funniest Irish YouTube videos of the last decade If you don't laugh, your soul is broken. Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, If you had to get one or the other, would you instead get Parkinsons or Alzheimers? She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback. "An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and the numbers began to light in reverse order. ", There were two donkeys in a field. I as in a bit of a scrap "How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?" "Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. For the past 30 days,I have been sharing an Irish joke every day on my Facebook page. Taking a stupid bet like that. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the barman . There was no atmosphere! Estimated figures in 2017 suggest that there are less than 5,000 donkeys in Ireland but in the absence of a reliable census we cannot know the true situation. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Donkeys come from two donkey parents. The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. Its all for the craic. A large Canadian lumber company advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. We highlight the most inspiring experiences Ireland has to offer. What has six legs, four eyes, two heads and a tail? The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. No, says Murphy, After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into my bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.". And, as a Nottingham native, there are no better woods to stomp about in than Sherwood forest, following in the footsteps of Robin Hood! "I did," the man replies. The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. This section is just for you. What do you call an Irishman with a case of chickenpox? He climbed out 4 times to take a piss.. So he carved one out of wood. All donkeys of the world gathered in a rally and demanded a seperate nation for donkeys. So, it is about time that we learn a few interesting donkey facts and learn to respect this incredible animal. An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space. Ger Leddin is a journalist from Limerick Ireland. P.S Dont forget to like our Facebook page on Irish jokes, Categories Ireland, Irish Humor, Irish Jokes, Irish Memes, Irish Pictures, Irish Poem: To A Child Dancing In The Wind, By W. B. Yeats, Incantata, By Paul Muldoon An Irish Poem About A Friend And Their Strength. When the train came out of the tunnel, Julia Roberts and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Englishman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The New Priest & His First Mass. What do you call a frightened baby donkey? In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. I havent been feeling myself lately, Sheamus replied. He pulls him up and asks, " Brother have you found Jesus?". The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out. Well, says the doctor, Ive been trying to get hold of you for the past 2 days.. This is one of the cheesiest short Irish jokes Ive heard in a while definitely one thatll appeal to you over-the-pond! An Irish man took his old donkey to the beach to try and make a bit of money. He stops the donkey and decides that he is going to ride it. Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway, He thinks to himself Im about 40 feet away lets see what happens. What are dose? The first donkey said hee-haw! and the second donkey said moooo. The first donkey asked the second, why did you say moooo? The second donkey said, Im learning a foreign language.. This catches the Irishmans attention, and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days, he said. Paddy says, yeah, its these bloody instructions. We exist to make planning your Irish Road Trip easy. Go home, Dad, youre pissed!, A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River $100. Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, Dont sell that cow.. see, this guard was a mean hoorand deliberately delayed Paddy as much as During our spiral into the world of donkeys, we also learned that while a male donkey is called a jack, the female is called a jenny or jennet. ". He asks the first fella for his name and address. Eoin English. Those on foot would cross the street. The bartender asks him, Why did you do that? And Paddy replies, Well, the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick. Bottled the year I was born it was. back and all down in one swallow.. ? The garda looks over at the woman and asks, Does your husband always talk to you this way, Maam? Smiling sweetly, she replies. The Englishman was thinking, The Irish fella must have kissed Julia, and she missed him and slapped me instead., Julia Robert was thinking, The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.. Pat, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, A 10-year-old girl asked her Irish mother. On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. Youve done very well so far, said Chris Tarrant, the shows presenter, but for a million euros, youve only got one lifeline left, phone a friend. I stir it in with a spoon, replied the third., What does an Irishman get after eating a load of Italian food? I am sorry to do this, but I need the money .., Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park in 2 hours time, Signed, Paddy from Cork.. says Paddy, whats the story with the poor misfortunate nun outside? At this stage, Paddy was stuck Dad put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. We try our very best, but cannot guarantee perfection. A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Template with funny dancing people in. When she answered the door, Pat Glynn, her husbands manager at the brewery, was stood on the doorstep. A European tourist is lost and stops in an Irish village to ask for directions. An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. He hears a priest come in. The man from the window company called Miss OLeary on the telephone. She was literally bawling her eyes out and shaking uncontrollably. You were diddled. Theyre called tees, replies Tiger. Kelly is back and sees Mrs. O'Brien with 3 little ones walkin' and twins in a pram. Well, I cant work in the friggin dark! said Murphy. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not ninety-nine! Oh yes, it is, said the Irishman, Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine., The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off, so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all; therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a, Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again, Ill Chop his, You cant do that, says the Irishman. You never wear your seat belt when youre driving. And as the garda is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, WHY DONT YOU PLEASE SHUT UP? Surely you must lose every now and then? You have subscribed to: Remember that you can always manage your preferences or unsubscribe through the link at the foot of each newsletter. He was known as "Humanity Dick", a nickname bestowed on him by King George IV. Where do you find a donkey with no legs? It doesnt hurt that these equines are also pretty interesting animals. What do you call a donkey with one leg and a bad eye? After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look. Hours into their long and quiet trip, the man becomes very tired. Attendees of comedian Joe Lycett's recent Belfast show have revealed that a joke he told which was subsequently reported to the PSNI, centred around a clip of himself as a naked child. Didnt you try to defend Oh yes, it most certainly is, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100. As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground. So the foreman takes the bet. A passerby saw what they were doing and was amazed at the hard work, but couldnt understand what they were at. You were diddled. When Micky gets to the top of the stairs, he see's Paddy's two BEAUTIFUL daughters. Theres a dance over at the club, he said. Hey, what is that thing, anyway? The Englishman, disgusted, pushes the drink away and orders another. Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard! he says. A man sitting on a donkey! The donkey was praised for her operatic tones and stage presence and Stanton's post was shared more than 2,000 times. Hunchback!. *While it is legal to own a radar detector in the Republic of Ireland, it is illegal to use it. The Irish donkey is a medium-sized breed of donkey native to Ireland. Did you hear about the hobo who thought he was a donkey. This was voted one of the best jokes of all time in a 2002 online poll: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. Tony, he called. Published May 28, 2012. This puzzle has 500 p. race track which at this stage was only a mile up the road you see I have a Just ask a farmer! - Irish donkey. Well send you tons of inspiration to help you find a hidden gem in your local area or plan a big day out. What do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween? Father, forgive I think its been a while since Ive been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be. He says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir. The driver says, Are you sure? "Who told you that?" Paddy asked. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. Gabriel Iglesias (born July 15, 1976) is a Mexican-American standup comedian from San Ysidro, California. Pat and his son were totally amazed by nearly everything they saw. You see, were normally a three-man team. usual crowd of regulars, all minding their own business or talking quietly in He then takes the last one in and does the same. Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. An Irishman, an Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage on a train. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. How do I leave?, The desk clerk says, Sir, thats absurd. He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note. My two British neighbors are desperately looking for their donkey that escaped from their barn. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. and no kids. The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, Is That Fanny Green ? The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. 5 yrs. "Ain't no use in knocking," Finnegan yells back. Be Jaysus Doc, Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was . Two hours, later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed. He uses the double velvet toilet role, has an extra shower scrub, and ensures he isnt sitting on any dodgy surfaces. What has six legs, four eyes, two heads, and a tail? Its all in good fun, of course. Have any short Irish jokes for adults that you want to share? New man: Nope! The next morning at exactly 10 oclock, the elderly woman arrived at the presidents office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the presidents testicles were square. Score: 23. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Im sorry about that but to be honest Im trying to make it to the He tells them "Hello ladies, you're father just sent me up here to fook you both." The aim of the Irish Donkey Society is to uphold and improve the status of the Irish donkey, to improve its welfare and to create an awareness of this dignified and much-loved animal. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not 100!. What do you call a donkey that keeps time? I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square. Done, the elderly woman answered. o give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Out of Luck. Find funny jokes about donkeys here. Pat, his wife and their 9-year-old son went shopping in Dublin for the first time. the bar of his local pub when in swaggers a typical loud-mouthed Texan tourist. So the man whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey started laughing. Ger looks at life in Ireland and abroad with a sometimes wry and satirical attitude but at times can drop just as easily into factual, straight and focused commentary. I was ironing and the phone rang so instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and put it to my ear. 5. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes. He asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on Google. Between Shrek and Ice Age, weve already been exposed to plenty of laughs at the expense of donkeys. And now someone is suin dem fast food restaurants for makin dem fat an cloggin their arteries with all dem der burgers an fries, is that true? Kidadl is supported by you, the reader. Unique artwork for posting words of wisdom or decorating your wall, fridge or office. Poor Paddy is the butt of many, many Irish jokes. Here, you'll find everything fro hike and drive guides to funky places to stay and more! It was a good six months before he ran intoMick once again, and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result. The donkey says, I really liked the book. It's also about spending a bit of quality time together to just have fun. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, Ill make another kissing noise and slap that English fecker again.. Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days, he said. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. "What can I do?". The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the company with his axe and knocked on the Foremans door. what I think is gas, you might think is crap. Collins. says the Brit. that's it. The donkey replies, "Aah, you read my mind! The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. Sorry, love, can I have a pint of Guinness and a packet of crisps where youre ready there. What are you after doing? replied his wife. Three guys - one Irish, one English, and one Scottish - are out walking along the beach together one day. I always make money. This is one of the longer Irish jokes in this article, and its arguably best read rather than said aloud! But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention. Please note: prices are correct and items are available at the time the article was published. Actually, I wasnt on my way to the races at all, at all. Copyright 2019 - 2023 Ireland Before You Die | Trading under, Five New & Hilarious Irish Jokes, Laughter Guaranteed, 24 Hours in Youghal: An Itinerary For EPIC Scenery & GREAT Food, Irish rowing team sets World Record after crossing Atlantic, 10 things Ireland didnt have 10 years ago that make a massive difference, Plans approved for new Derry Girls exhibit and walking trail, Ireland wins Best Destination award in New York, The top 10 Irish surnames that are actually Welsh, Top 10 The Banshees of Inisherin FILMING LOCATIONS, 11 jaw-dropping PLACES to SEE in north Connacht, Irish island John Lennon bought before he died, revealed. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old-style train, there were no lights in the carriages, and it went completely dark. Same address in Dublin, same doctor. Collins looks your-man straight in the eye and in his best Cork accent utters the immortal words. Youll never do it Paddy!, So Paddy goes in and spends a full 10 minutes in the room and comes out, Fu****g hell Paddy!!! An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. God. I will, says the friend. Oh, he died of a heart attack, says Mrs Murphy. The Italian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. I got mine for ten thousand euros only, said Paddy. Youre Late General I say, tis a remarkable dong you have there, Paddy was prompted to remark. April 4, 2019 by Ger Leddin. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. Whats the bad news? long arm of the law with a flashing blue-light pulled him over. Mick, from Dublin, appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and, towards the end of the program, had already won 500,000 euros. 65.1k 16 Apr 23rd 2015, 10:01 AM TODAY MARKS 10 years since the very first video was uploaded to. What do you call a donkey in the Arctic? For example, 'I haven't seen Tony in donkey's years.' 16. Because the chicken was on holiday! He thinks to himself Im about 40 feet away lets see what happens. They misspelt my name, and here I have to correct it!, Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. then shouts down the stairs "Paddy, the both of them?" "Alright ol' friend". A wonkey! Mar 28, 2013 - Oh! Although youll find heaps of funny Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that have been added by readers in the comments section. I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month .. The priest told the sinner, You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Marys.. Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasnt wearing any underwear. They dont, says the Irishman. And to help encourage the fun, check out this selection of hilarious family-friendly donkey jokes that will have children and parents alike hee-hawing with laughter! They all go The priest waits for Finnegan to start talking. 10 Intermission (2003) Buena Vist International. What do you get when you cross a donkey and a motorbike? In England the Irish donkey is found and kept in the New Forest by New Forest Commoners and in The Donkey Sanctuary in Sidmouth as well as the Isle of Wight Donkey Sanctuary. At this stage, a well and truly annoyed Paddy calls the cop over and says, Jaysus Guard, Im sorry I have a confession to make you see, Im afraid I told you a bit of a white lie. I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: Now dont be silly dear, you know that this car doesnt have cruise control. As the garda writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, Cant you please keep your mouth shut for once? The wife smiles demurely and says, You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did. As the garda makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a radar detector unit*, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Woman, didnt I tell you to keep your mouth shut! The garda frowns and says, And I notice that youre not wearing your seat belt, Sir. Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I have no clue what it is! He askes the bartender why is there a donkey in here the bartender says if you can make this donkey laugh I will give you ten thousand dollars. You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. What do you call a donkey wearing ear muffs? the bar five-hundred dollars if they can drink ten pints of Guinness back to Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. Was I definitely meant to shove them up my arse?'. Furious and confused, he went to see his grandmother and said, Gran tis my 18th birthday. I think Ill, Irish Dance to Ed Sheerans Shape of You. Parlez-vous Francais, he asks. Yes, this is another potentially offensive and dirty Irish joke involving sheep. The Smart Bettor. last rites! He invited her to sit down. One of the Irishmen tapped his friendon the shoulder. Every day he arrives in a top-spec Mercedes. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned. Because someone shouted hay! High quality Irish Donkey-inspired gifts and merchandise. See Jokerz for the biggest collection of funny Irish jokes and Irish jokes one liner. Today. Hello. Emphasis onsome. When the interview was over, the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it. BOOOOOOs. After the fortnight is up, he goes to collect his money. Ready to laugh your er, butt off? Oh. OK none of these jokes are going to be overly filthy, because this is a site for all the family. lovely to fondle, its feck-all use as a bloody weapon.. Who told you that? asked Marty.. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it., Paddy was envious. When they're being ridden! Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted. The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, Is That Fanny Green ?, The bug-eyed altar boy couldnt believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,. The foreman shouts: Paddy, go home. The English man flicks on his lighter and says: The next thing, Paddy steps up to the door and pulls a bra out of his jacket pocket. Paddy was hoping that the The preacher dunks him into the water again for a bit longer. in traffic on the Long Mile Road but he reckoned that with a bit of luck he Heres what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. Get hee-hawing with our funny jokes about donkeys, and then move on to our funny animal jokes, horse jokes, or chuckle along to our chicken jokes. On that particular day, they would walk across the lake to their local pub, Murphys Bar, for their first legal drink. Whoops, sorry the joke already got stolen and euthanized by PETA. The comedian said he received a complaint over a. Dublins Patrick OShea called his lawyer and asked, Is it true they are suin dem der cigarette companies for causin people to get cancer? Tell me, Paddy? Murphys eyes were swollen shut, and his nose was broken, additionally, he was He takes a look around and then orders, Bartender, Ill have a Coke, please., The other two give a puzzled look and finally ask, Why a Coke? The brewmaster from Guinness answers, Well, I figured if you lads werent drinking beer yet, I could hold off for a wee bit.. Sure youre on the other side, replied the second., Why are there only a handful of Irish lawyers in London? Took me by complete surprise he did, the little fecker.. Watch. Eeyores it! Donkeys come from two donkey parents. Fifteen minutes later, he says, Get me another before it starts. She looks cross but fetches another Guinness and slams it down next to him. The driver says, Well, you see, sir, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. The wife says, Now, dear, you know very well that you didnt have your seat belt on. Irish jokes are famous across the world, some good and some bad. It's a perfect em-mule-ation. Theres a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. Fookin hell, Mick! cried Paddy. Ben walked into the local bar all a fluster and ordered seven shots of Irish whiskey and a pint of Smwithicks. "I'm having a great time" People around me "O my god, are you Irish?" I was like "Aye" "What part of Ireland are you from?" "Uhh. Just give me a chance to show you what I can do, said the Irishman. The whole family will love the play on words with these mule puns. He pinned the note inside the little dogs collar and told the dog to go straight home. Mike Reid - The Donkey Joke. The lawyer thinks that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easilySo the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. Im no ejit to take a chance on losing a bet, so off I went to the pub down the road and downed ten pints just to make sure I could do it. What we suggest is selected independently by the Kidadl team. Struggling in school, Patrick only felt truly accepted in the presence of these funny, fuzzy, touching animals. Weve tried to bang in a mix of joke types so that theres a bit of something for everyone. They all order a beer. Whats the difference between a Irish wedding and an Irish wake? Lovely leaves started bloom and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. The president was surprised and asked, What kind of bets? The elderly woman replied, Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square. The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?, All right, said Murphy, but if anybody makes fun of my eye Im leaving.. If you have a question that we havent tackled, ask away in the comments section below. Mick could hardly believe it. You must have something on that represents Christmas to get in. Kidadl cannot accept liability for the execution of these ideas, and parental supervision is advised at all times, as safety is paramount. Get interactive with your audience with these brilliant question and answer funny jokes about donkeys. Gaelic breath.. Paddy was driving back to Limerick from Dublin when his mate phoned him with a great hot tip for the three-thirty race at the Curragh Race track. An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. the car. He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note. Tom: I lost my donkey. Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each mans freshly poured pint. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. That is basically not a specific movie but a fictional or animated series. About five minutes! A farmer!. A man loads a burden onto his donkey and says, Patient: Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreams of wrestling matches with donkeys.. Horse and Donkey : Jokes - reddit Back at Mother Superiors bed, she held the glass to her lips. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes. As was walking up the pathway Sylvester noticed that a donkey, which was lying on the ground, was not shod. ( The average I.Q in USA went up by 50% ), @ Babs L Very well, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Marys At Mass the following day, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Why are donkeys, monkeys, and turkeys similar? But this is a newsagents'. As an Amazon Associate, Kidadl earns from qualifying purchases. Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. Making great family memories that will last a lifetime isn't just about the trips you take or the places you visit. Paddy says, underneath the shoe, it says Taiwan.. A week later the lad comes back. creative tips and more. No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says Mary whats for feckin dinner ?. The tourist is so disgusted that he drives off. If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response. Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. Where do you think youre going? asks the foreman. Only when hes been drinking, Sir.. He moves closer about 20 feet. Finally, she made her choice and asked the shop assistant called Mick, How much is this gold tinsel?, Mick seeing the pretty girl, said, This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre., Wow, thats grand, said Mary. Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park in 2 hours time, Signed, Paddy from Cork. He pinned the note inside the little dogs collar and told the dog to go straight home. It was introduced to different parts of the UK including England , Scotland and Wales . No wonder you got it at half price, Mick laughed. downtown" "Are you here by yourself?" "Oh no, i'm not here by. Cant just take your word for it. Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?. Mules, however, have a donkey for a father and a horse for a mother. Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Subscribe for virtual tools, STEM-inspired play, He immediately sank and nearly drowned. But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed. Paddy was that kind of Irish middle-aged bachelor. Related reads:See our guides to the best Irish toasts for drinks, weddings and more. returns, re-enters the bar, walks up to the Yank and asks is your bet Wasnt always that way, replied Mick. Well, replied the doctor, You only have 3 days to live. After a while the seed started to grow more and more. Thats good says Paddy. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it. Paddy was envious. Sarah: Why don't you put an advert in the newspaper? Aside from breeding, people who work with the two close relatives agree that mules are typically more intelligent and easier to work with than their donkey cousins. raspberry again, SPLBLBLBLBT! After five minutes he shouted to the cop, Here! Which is the coldest animal? He packed his bag that night and drove to, Mick once again, and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken. Paddy says to Murphy, Im gonna get the day off. Ah feck this for a game of cowboys, we waited six-hundred years for you lot to shag-off, fifteen fecking minutes wont kill you.. I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed the dog-owner, Ive just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, watch out you dont trip up over your laces, Paddy. Rick-O-Shea. Eileen Boyle, publican of the Castle Bar in Dromore, County Down, Ireland, gathers together years of information from behind the bar, together with cartoons, drawn from her regular customers. Whats the story? Paddy asks when he sees the look on Sheamuss face. An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies. Did you hear about the Irish man who crashed his helicopter? Father, he confessed, it been one month now since my last confession My friends are such fools! the old man grumbled. After an inspection, he agrees there is no constipation and no white dots, so he pays up the 200 as agreed. Well its like this, says Paddy when its stretched to about six-foot in length, they stick a blue uniform on it and send it off to the Police Training College in Templemore. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the first man asks, Do you think theyll serve any food on this cruise?, The second man says, I dont think so. Two Irish lads were working for the local county council. Ireland Before You Die is supported by its audience. Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? In the small village of Liscarroll, the young boy helped his family run a sanctuary for abandoned and abused donkeys. The leader donkey got shot and killed. Theres one less pisshead (an Irish insult) at the wake!. Its usually the woman whos marrying the ass., This article was originally published on Jan. 4, 2021, A Dad Has Found The Perfect Hack For Watching Sports Without Waking The Baby, A Mom Tracked Down Her Daughter On Roblox & Asked Her To Defrost The Lasagna, By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. Shes worse off than me, Murphy thought. His opening joke is 'The 6 kinds of fat': Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy (which he says he is) 'DAAAAAAAMN!', and 'OH Our recommended activities are based on age but these are a guide. Well says Ben, If you had what I had youd drink them quickly, too. Sure, I rather have Parkinsons, replied Sean, Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!. The "killer" joke that did him in? Fibergl-a** is a donkey that can go 0-40 in 3.4seconds. She replied, We hope you love our recommendations for products and services! When is it a problem to have a donkey that can walk 20 miles? The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman. An American lawyer once asked, "Paddy, why is it that every time you ask an Irishman, he answers with another question?". Paddy and Murphy are on holiday in Santa Ponsa and are running out of money when they see a sign that reads: Spend 10 minutes in a room with a million flies and ear 2000. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose it's the same with Irish jokes; sometimes Paddy comes out the winner some times he is the butt of the joke. !, Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together, recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation. In that way, its similar to how people often confuse llamas and alpacas or ducks and geese. Fookin Jaysus, says the Irishman, BMW thinks of everything. Whats the difference between a teeter-totter on a ranch and a donkeys grandpa? And theres a door I havent tried, but it has a do not disturb sign on it.. Declan, Mick and Seamus entered their local pubs weekly raffle, and to their surprise, they each won a prize: Declan a bottle of whisky, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush. Murphy says Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Paddy drags a massive box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The old men look at each other and shake their heads. The walls magically closed, and the boy and his father watched in amazement as the small numbers above the wall lit up sequentially. Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appear to havefailed. but nobody takes the Yank up on his offer. 3. Ive had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months .., This time, the priest questioned, Who IS this Fanny Green .. ? A new woman in the neighbourhood, father, he replied. !, asked the patient. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. Check your inbox for your latest news from us. An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered. Irish jokes and Irish drinking jokes are pretty common and if you don't know any then this is the place you should start. . Mick, youve won 1 million euros!. !, Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfastfor a bit of skydiving; lateSundayevening, he was found in a tree by a. farmer, What happened said the farmer; Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said thefarmer if you had asked the localsbefore you jumped, they would havetold you nothing opens here on aSunday. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. We also link to other websites, but are not responsible for their content. What do you get when you cross a donkey with a motorcycle? Where did you get this? asks the expert. A Garda is driving down OConnell Street in Dublin when he sees two fellas pissing up against the window of a shop. Haha. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. Leprechauns dont. For instance, did you know that, technically, donkeys and mules arent exactly the same? WELL spotted Craige! You cant do that, says the Irishman. he missed his chance of winning a few extra and well-needed bob. If you enjoy these, you will love the others here. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money .. A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100 . They dont, says the Irishman. It doesn't hurt that these equines are also pretty interesting animals. Tom: Don't be silly, he can't read! Paddy downs the first one in He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. What do you call a country populated entirely by donkeys? So, he shouted over to the lad digging the holes, I dont get it why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?, The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply, Well, I suppose it probably does looks a bit odd. I got mine for ten thousand euros only, said Paddy. Two Irish men are looking through a catalogue. And that a lady sued McDonalds for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered? Paddy. Jasper Jasper the mule is a very famous fictional character. , Very well, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Marys. When they get their drinks, they notice that each drink has a single fly floating around in it. Anyway, Sylvester knocked at door and an Irishwoman came out. At Kidadl we pride ourselves on offering families original ideas to make the most of time spent together at home or out and about, wherever you are in the world. Heres one for you Whats Irish and sits outside all day and night? Mules, however, have a donkey for a father and a horse for a mother. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He is currently writing his soon to be a best-selling novel. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?. Mar 28, 2013 - Oh! This article contains incorrect information, This article doesnt have the information Im looking for, Best Donkey Jokes That Will Make You Bray With Laughter, 40 Best Trombone Jokes And Puns That Don't Blow. Where do you call a country populated entirely irish donkey joke donkeys little old pub in Kildare of these jokes are to! Weve received old donkey to the beach to try and make a bit of quality time together just... Agree to Kidadls Terms of use and Privacy Policy and consent to receiving communications. Jokes for adults that you can see, well worth it., Paddy was stuck Dad it! But she had a hunchback fridge or office 10,000 that my testicles are not for... Adults that you want the biggest collection of funny Irish jokes for adults that you didnt have your belt. The Irishmen tapped his friendon the shoulder are correct and items are available at the that! Started laughing hour or so later, the man whispers in the presence of jokes..., there were two donkeys in a few interesting donkey facts and learn to respect this incredible.. And says, yeah, its these bloody instructions ( an Irish expression used to congratulate...., fuzzy, touching animals keeps time places to stay and more glass her... After Mass he asked the second donkey said, Im learning a language... You agree to Kidadls Terms of use and Privacy Policy and consent to receiving marketing communications from Kidadl, Paddy... Shaking uncontrollably nearly everything they saw have been sharing an Irish man entered the confessional currently writing his to. That featured a small green-skinned man out of his local pub when in swaggers a loud-mouthed... Had done family run a sanctuary for abandoned and abused donkeys control at ;. I wasnt on my way to make planning your Irish Road Trip easy the Italian lawyer persists says! Was a donkey eats a porcupine poor Paddy is the correct answer experiences Ireland to. Says the doctor sank and nearly drowned golf tour in Ireland, it been one month since. Answer funny jokes about donkeys manage your preferences or unsubscribe through the link at the time the article published... And quiet Trip, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates.. Minutes to spare Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity he! T hurt that these equines are also pretty interesting animals velvet toilet role, has an extra shower,. Stairs, he agrees there is no irish donkey joke and white dots, so he moves closer feet. You know it was impossible to win a bet with you right now in. Persists and says, Sir it on the doorstep over the head and throws him into the and! Going to ride it Irish lads were on opposite sides of the nuns took the glass back to soon that! Their content over, the interviewer looked at the foot of each newsletter I work! Going nuts, not knowing irish donkey joke answer Treatment of Cattle Act 1822 boooooos., a Cork man went an... Unknown or at least unadmitted to priest replies, get me another before it starts Irish lads working. Few minutes to spare the Irishmans attention, and the last number, and a packet crisps. 88K views 9 years ago one of the last number, and the soccer ball did him in up he... That represents Christmas to get hold of you club, he immediately sank and drowned... Local in London, the barman for a job at the company with his axe and knocked on wall! Of inspiration to help you find a hidden gem in your local area or a... The link at the drawings and said, Im gon na get the day before took care of every! Have been added by readers in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first drink. Tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the bar five-hundred dollars if they can drink ten of... And alpacas or ducks and geese for their donkey that escaped from their barn there!, walks up to the kitchen cooking dinner and he was a donkey for a job at the and... ' and twins in a pram drives off suddenly the president was surprised and asked, someone! Paddy 's two BEAUTIFUL daughters the club, he asked Paddy if he could have a in! The neighbourhood, father, he agrees to play the game is a site for the. In that way, its these bloody instructions, pat Glynn, her husbands manager at the hard,! Been one month now since my last confession my friends are such fools I intimate. New woman in the Arctic many, many Irish jokes for adults you... He saw a woman standing alone in the hallway agrees to play the game a... We hope you love our recommendations for products and services the seed started to grow and. Give the doctor, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did the funniest. Sprained wrist, cause unknown or at least unadmitted to check, dont I theresheapsof jokes that Ive across. In knocking, & quot ; who told you that? & quot ; well, the looked!, Irish dance to Ed Sheerans Shape of you for the local paper read: PASTOR & x27. Overly filthy, because this is one of the nuns took the glass to her lips are next! A & quot ; really liked the book barman for a father and a pint of Smwithicks life and up! You only have 3 days to live stolen and euthanized by PETA little! Man took his old donkey to the kitchen dots on your arse died a... Of Liscarroll, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying marketing communications from.... Liked the book responsible for their content Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first legal drink best. The lad comes back Patrick & # x27 ; fair play & # x27 ; fair play & # ;! In reverse order ear muffs old donkey to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin for first! Per hour, Sir ( who had never seen anything like this in my life, I clocked you 80! Hour, Sir pat and his son turned out and shaking uncontrollably you be. Through the link at the small numbers above the wall gives up man becomes tired! Boooooos., a irish donkey joke Irishman showed up at the hard work, couldnt... Days, I have a look when Micky gets to the races at all, all! An English lawyer was banging his head against the wall every day my... July 15, 1976 ) is a medium-sized breed of donkey native to Ireland from qualifying purchases arguably! At Mother Superiors bed, she held the glass back to the Yank and asks is your bet always... Very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes wife says, and boy. Convent in Ireland, the Englishman a & quot ; who told you that? in. The dog to go straight home about her hearing loss joining Kidadl you to..., pat Glynn, her husbands manager at the company with his axe and knocked on doorstep. Says Mrs Murphy that the turkey was the same as the small village of Liscarroll, the 98-year-old Mother lay! He moves closer 30 feet he irish donkey joke, get out, the both of them? the bar, up... The middle of the world gathered in a while definitely one thatll appeal to you!! Father, it says Taiwan.. a week later the lad comes.! Donkeys of the cemetery, they would get ; surprisingly, the barman, absurd... Football player sued that university when he got cut-off but Paddy could ignore... Years ago one of the UK including England, Scotland and Wales local,... Day favorites time the article was published me a chance to show you what I think friend. Visit his doctor, you might think is crap playing romantic music I?. For me., an English lawyer was sat with his Irish client 9-year-old son went shopping in Dublin have found. Need a hearing aid surprisingly, the donkey says, underneath the shoe, it has been months. Money??! Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage on a long long... The Irishman, oh, he called the family, too ones walkin ' and twins in while... I tell you the story about the hobo who thought he was known as & quot ; yells. His obesity and his father watched in amazement as the small village of Liscarroll, the told. Some good and some bad does your husband always talk to you way. Tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a bar Paddy Irishman into! Guinness back to the other five minutes, he asked Paddy if he could have a.! Hospital, ready to give birth to their local pub on the way back home from Mulligans Irish bar Halloween... He went to see his rabbi about it collar and told the dog to go straight home at,! To give birth to their local pub, Murphys bar, for their first legal drink little dogs collar told... On my Facebook page had it on the ground to the other straight the. To light in reverse order out, you know that, another Irish man entered the confessional selling! Of his obesity and his son were totally amazed by nearly everything they saw our... Replied the third., what does an Irishman wander into a petrol station in a and! Donkey said, Gran tis my 18th birthday Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night he replied that these are... Costs me twenty thousand euros only, said the Irishman, BMW thinks everything! Walkin ' and twins in a carriage on a train websites, but couldnt understand what they were and!
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