Alternatively were just going to have to start getting out of bed earlier so we dont run into them, but I suspect that if she realised we were doing that she might actually change her own schedule. @mangosteeen, I would pay money to see Nosy Tellers face if you were to tell him you were flying to the moon some weekend! !" I also see are you free Saturday? or What are you doing tonight? as potential traps and in part its because in college the manager of the dining hall I worked at would call, start with What are you doing tonight? and then argue that whatever I said was less important than covering a shift for someone. No more Did I say sunday I meant saturday, now you have to change all your weekend plans ever again. My go-to script for these (which I HATE) is an equally noncommittal, Why, whats up? Im not saying I do or dont have plans, but Im going to figure out why theyre asking me the question. Theres also nothing wrong with the sitting alone in the dark rocking back and forth, it just seemed a good description of the void my mother thinks no plans equals. If ever there was a moment for the standard Wow script, this surely would be it. Try to be kind and positive in your response. What are you up to on Saturday? has often been my go-to when dealing with someone (like my sister) that I *know* will feel pressured to accept whatever Im suggesting whether or not she wants to or has the time/energy for it. I like babies and pets just fine, but unless the baby is under a year old and sleeps a lot, and you have a super chill pet, Im not up to the task. Have a Happy . Men who constantly try to manipulate women into doing all their emotional labor is a ridiculously huge problem in American culture right now. Funny Ways to Respond to "How Are You?" Overworked and underpaid. Oh LW this might be one of my very biggest pet peeves. Not everyone in my life always has. Its very jarring to see that thrown around when its a nasty slur here in the UK. Thanks for the invite though!. How hard is it, whats the timing, is it just for me personally (thats a favor), or is it for the greater familyHER greater family? You have to answer the . So of course, you tell her, youll all walk separately from now on (keep the cheery loud voice of happy certainty and smile hugely the whole time). I have less than zero interest in tutoring kids that have no interest in the subject. Relatedly, this is not an impolite thing to say. Of course, YMMV, and you know your family and the situation better than I do. Fine, thanks, and you? So, sometimes it is a trap! It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). Or at least, it will be seen as rude by many people that I know and had had this conversation with. How it came to need an actual (although formulaic) response, Im not sure. We also told our children when they were growing up that they could use us as an excuse any time they felt pressured or uncomfortable saying no for themselves. "Thank you, I appreciate that.". Oh my goodness I didnt even realize this was posted and then it took awhile for me to read through all of the responses. Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. If not, then they'll just think you're being cheeky, which of course, you are. It leaves me an opening to decline politely once everything has been said. Instead of making it easier for people to say no, people find it makes it harder. When I asked him later, What the heck? I, personally, issue a lot of soft invitations because I actually dont want to go to the trouble of planning something with someone who doesnt want to hang out in the first place? I really thought that an invitation was going to come later. Evenings and weekends may take us a little bit longer. In every group Ive been in it is socially acceptable and expected that you can say youre busy for whatever reason you want. Part of it for me, too, is that a lot of my free time is devoted to managing my anxiety and physical issues (that I dont talk about at work) and I feel pressured to always have a good weekend. I think it can also be a way of getting to know a person, or the kind of small talk that people in some regions feel they HAVE to make if they want to be polite. And even if she did pay money (not rentbut to share in the household expense, which is different from rent, even if it is the same amount of money), I would still consider her to be part of my family and as such why WOULDNT she pitch in when I needed her to? I think the ideas people are getting at is that sometimes people want to reject an invitation not because they have plans but because they dont want to attend. Giving my turtle a haircut. She's asking because she's interested in your plans specifically. parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? I dont find it weird, I think its just whiteness and the safest thing to do is presume white people are going to be like this to some extent, until they prove otherwise. For people Im close enough to be snarky with Its depends Are you asking for fun or work?, I like this, but Id go maximum snark and phrase it as, Is this about business or pleasure?, I say Ill have to check. The professor went to the restroom. Whenever people accept this answer, I know I am dealing with human beings who understand their goodness as a constant learning process. I get that. Shes right to find it othering and exhausting. Im much better at saying no now, and I realize that in most situations saying no is a perfectly socially acceptable answer. No.. Spot on, thank you. its differential equations, 2. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course. Detailing the event and a specific date is best. Simply say something you're obviously not doing. Good luck! But I dont ask them where theyre from, because its really none of my business; there are other kinds of small talk to make. Find an answer. And do you trust the asker not pull a But you SAID you were free, that means YOU PROMISED!(for me, someone who puts pressure on/pouts/lays on a guilt trip after I say no to an invitation gets an automatic LOL NOPE FOREVER response. I wanted to stayyou can make why do you ask? be a friendly lineand you probably should. I feel like something mundane like chores will get some pushback, or wont be seen as a task that takes up the whole day(s) off (if I do laundry Saturday, I can still go out Sunday! In fact there the joke of cant do that, I have to.. (silly excuse of having plans like go wash my hair) that day illustrating that sometimes the white lie of making up plans is an easy way to get out of doing something. Thankfully, the discomfort is mostly on my end at this point. Does that mean that these women would get constant requests for free tech support? You wonder where he'll take you. I have close friends that Ive been upfront with and say Im totally a hermit, but I do like to be invited to events and will make them sporadically. I have only one person who does this, my widowed FIL, and it irritates me no end. I dislike being asked this question too, except in my case its more that I dont want to be asked this question by coworkers, ever. I feel like letting her sleep is far more important than my social life right now., Sorry, I know it sounds like a stupid excuse. Which sometimes was fine but not always. Maybe shorter comments go through immediately but longer ones need mod-approval? You're not obligated to tell others your plans for the future, if you even have them. (I know that I dont want to is in fact a perfectly valid excuse. Im trying to train her out of the habit. My MIL does thatshe asks DH if we can come to dinner, and he says, Ill have to ask Toots. Then she calls me and asks me, and I say, I have to ask DH. Really early on, she did this, and then laughed at my answer and said, I asked him, and he said he had to ask you. Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. (Full disclosure: Whole in-law family are control freaks and this type of thing IS a setup with them. If its not something Im into, I feel pressure to say yes because she knows Im not busy. No, that is a very bad script with pushy family connections. W- Work free. I find mildly-but-not-entirely-absurd stock answers to be a good distraction. I have been thinking about this one for some time now, and Im stuck: What is a good response to What are you up to tonight / this weekend / next Thursday?. That's why you should remember these funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for the next time the question pops up: If you have no idea what degree you're going to get or where you want to live in the future, pretend that you have something big planned, but don't want to ruin the surprise. Even when its not meant as a hostile act (merely as an exoticising one thats so cool/I used to want to travel there/is it true that people there do x) being othered never feels welcoming. Examples include: Good, nice sunny day out there. Id like to get you to take out the trash.), There *is* a certain amount of call on her time that I -do- feel entitled to (she lives in my home, not hers; shes a member of my family). Its either a soft opening for an invite or a general small talk questionand in both cases, Oh, not sure yet, how about you? is going to be one thousand percent fine. If its just to bond, asking about past activities might be an easier way to accomplish this. I should add it somewhat depends on how well I know the person. Important points about both solutions is a) she gets to participate in the decision and doesnt just get told and b) she makes her own timetable about chores. Im thinking the letter we had a while back with mandatory no premade food potlucks is a glaring example of a culture that needs changed, but I would also like to see room in the workplace for people who are good at their work but are reserved/private/not interested in relationships with their coworkers outside of work. I like to respond with Doing nothing. I have a colleaguestraight white well-employed middle-class-raised Christian cis man, so about as privileged as you can get in Americawho opts out of a lot of what he considers to be optional social stuff. I think my own culture is more ask-y, but I had a pretty pushover personality and often felt, well, pushed around by the people around me. Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. and then if I do end up wanting to do whatever it is they want to do, suddenly my schedule cleared up! Or why do I feel entitled to her presence and her company? Funny Responses To How Are You Save Image: Shutterstock Somewhere between better and best. I ask this question all the time. Im in my late 50s and, frankly, my plans for the weekend are likely to be boring to this younger inquirer. A little of this, a little of that. I dont know many people who issue we should hang out soon with the expectation that the recipient is then supposed to plan an event if they agree? Ive been loving all your responses on this thread. Life is filled with lots of required thing that some folks loathe and others either like or dont care either way. And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating). And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). Whereas it might feel more awkward/imposing for her, and less for me, to just ask outright, Do you want to go to [event] on [this day]?. Yes, this. In conclusion the rules arent really all that different. I actually liked her kid, and if shed just said she needed a sitter instead of tricking me into it, I wouldnt have minded babysitting.I ended up filling that child with sugar and caffeinated soda (he had a grand time), and forever answering Im so busy, ugh to all future questions about my plans. WHAT WILL YOU DO AT THE WEEKEND?? I usually just say Im doing laundry. Oh, surviving, surviving. Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. For example, I used to host (board and card) game nights at my home, and Id create an event on Facebook, invite everyone who was part of this group, and ask them to please let me know as soon as they knew whether or not theyd be there, at least by the day before, so I could plan how much food Id need to buy/make. I disagree concerning the Where are you from? part. *Both of which are also used as shorthand for all the things you need to get done before you can do the thing you actually intend to do, which is often an accurate description of my evenings. Yup. Am I? Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. Sometimes I deal with anxiety all weekend and its hard not to judge myself for that. Its a conversation starter, and its my choice whether I continue the conversation by answering or by reflecting it back at them. @TootsNYC If you want your daughter to do her share of chores, it is a better idea not to tell her to take the trash out (now or in the next couple of hours) but rather have a family meeting at the beginning of the week, talk about what needs to be done (not only stuff that you consider important but also stuff that your daughter considers important) and then you talk about who does what. Thats my go-to when someone asks me what I am doing at some point in the near future. (So Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. We went swimming in the lake and had a little bonfire." This is a good response to use when your weekend with family was more on the slow-paced side but was nonetheless enjoyable. Do I think X is a fair thing to insist upon? I shall think on why. Thank you. Its a little involved because Mittens needs daily collagen injections and also shes doing primal scream therapy. Im surprised to find out this is annoying, I guess, because I am such a What are you up to this weekend? asker when I want to hang out. You? and see if he gets stuck in a loop. I am definitely not math or sciencey, just like my me time, so that wouldnt have occurred to me. Plus, young women and girls arent stupid they know that most people will view them as being at the absolute bottom of the dominance pecking order and will resent it if they dont answer questions put to them. Do you know the meaning of the weekend? Oh, sorry, I cant., What are you doing Thursday night? (Right Now): What are you doing sometimes means at the very present in which activity are you involved in? I am not anyones manic pixie dream social secretary. Just kind of wanting to converse by text or something. Im talking about the OMG, how can you feel that way?! @Kacienna: Im saying that because in other posts, people have literally advocated for saying just No, thanks! to an overture like We should get coffee sometime. And I mean that is not just going to burn bridges, that is going to blow them up, and not just with the person youre speaking toits going to look Super Off to observers and cost you with them as well. And LW is already handling the situation in the best possible way by giving noncommittal answers. ), OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER? It was glorious. Sometimes I go with something like, Im already committed to a couple of things, but they still have to get back to me about when, exactly, theyre happening. Me: Nope. There are also times my kid can ask for help, and *I* dont get to say, eh, no, Id rather read a book. Not if I want to consider myself her family. I wonder if some variety of Im really flattered that you asked and I want to hang bout, but I REALLY need to recharge this weekend, maybe we can set a time that works for both of us? might be a good script? Julia has been . It can still get extremely wearing through, and I do wish people would think more about when this conversation is appropriate and when Im maybe not up for answering a litany of questions that literally every stranger asks me (ie when Im obviously exhausted and struggling with four bags of groceries that I have to cart away on foot). 13 "It was so relaxing. Number 6 is my answer to " why don t u want to have kids ? Theres still room for her to refuse. Them: What are you doing this weekend? I moved out from my parents when I was 25. All five are information-seeking: listen closely, and you will learn something about that person's life, character, and ideas. And asking someone what theyre doing is not the same as issuing an invitation. I know that doesnt solve your overall problem, and I dont know what a reasonable solution is Im Sorry youre struggling right now. For acquaintances, the way you do in Sweden will also work in the US. I kind of like your signature line as a response! If you're worried your co-workers or boss will assume you need more to do if you don't talk about your heavy workload, go for this response. But more often we talk about their kids or grandkids or the cute hat theyre wearing or the wedding theyre shopping for. Its an opener, like Hot enough for you? Or How about that sportsquad at the sportsmatch? The content of your answer is secondary to the dynamic of conversation. Message Example #6: ( Note: A long message like this example is a better fit for dating sites like Match, OkCupid or POF. Opposite of what I want . I know people who mean well dont like hearing this, but I think that its important for people who mean well to also consider how the people they interact with might feel, so I consider this type of information to be useful to anyone who truly wants others to feel welcomed and comfortable. Im a hardcore introvert, most of my plans are sitting at home, not doing anything in particular and if I answer the question truthfully, and then there comes the invitation, Im in a very tight spot because I already admitted that I dont have anything serious enough to warrant me declining the offer. But if her idea is super cool or needs to be done on a certain date, Ill absolutely shelve my TV watching for another night! I used to feel guilty about that until I framed it in my mind that its disingenuous to ask about my weekend as entrapment instead of asking me an honest question. He would intentionally just hint around until they offered. There was definitely conflict where trying to balance and figure out fairness, safety, and compassion were difficult and sometimes heated. Why? A: I'm planning to just take it easy. If you have never phrased commands to her that way, yup, thats on her. In my experience, soft invitations are never meant. That said, you do have to be ok with saying no. And I mean, its legit to decide that youre willing to pay the cost, that youre okay with people deciding that you are unsociable or unfriendly or rude. I went to a lot of meetings I did not want to go because of this, cause I pretty much was cornered into it after admitting I have not set plans.. But I like to think that Im better at saying no now, even though people do sometimes react badly. Im with this LWask me to do a specific thing or dont. Get a little philosophical and it'll get everyone off of your back. If partying and watching Netflix is the only thing you dream of doing, don't pretend that you spend your days filling out job applications. As for rentpart of my problem with that is: I would never, ever rent a room to a non-family member. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. In a lot of cases I dont think its meant to be manipulative, its just a verbal tic. Me: yes! or no, sorry. And just because my plans dont include hanging out with anyone or leaving my home, it doesnt mean that I am free or willing to cancel them. One of the costs of challenging social rules is that it makes it harder for people to learn them. Any request for someones time, regardless of the setting of the fun variable in your mind. My family are a bunch of hyper-social weirdos for whom my introvert-ness is very confusing. Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. We should definetely try to avoid stealth scheduling questions. I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. More words, people, not less. If it is in fact a lead up to an invitation or request I can always either find room for it or say I dont have time. Then Ill say Whats up? or Whats going on then? or What did you have in mind?. Its funny I dont even register the question How are you? (Ive lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to You alright? which, functionally, isnt that different. Its really not you, its them. For small talk, I like to ask questions where the answer can be simple. I would actually be pretty weirded out by a friend who a) felt this was genuinely intrusive BUT b) also would not actually tell me they felt this was too intrusive. Sometimes this takes several rounds before everyone realizes theyve done their line but missed their cue. I'm sorry I can't really talk right now. Because as far as I can tell, youre saying you want to be treated with the closeness of family, only you seem pretty adamant you dont actually want to be family with her in the sense of two adults choosing to be together and support each other as family youre very clear that you want a relationship where you retain levels of dominance and control only suitable with a minor child. 1. That is a question I ask a lot, but its aim for me usually isnt to exepect that if they are not doing things they will be free for whatever I want. Another is that people your daughters age and under have grown up under a level of surveillance never before seen in the entire history of the human species. Reluctant runners just need a nudge. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. *Him: Hello, how are you? People ask this to fill the time while standing at the break room microwave, not bc they want to trap you into revealing state secrets and hardcore kinks. So if theyre just chatting youve invited them to talk about their own weekend, and if they are in fact leading up to an invitation, then youve been vague about whether nothing interesting means lots of chores, or free time. Doesnt work with friends / family obviously, but I have to consult my husband every single time when it comes to sales pitches / offers in retail / invitations from strangers etc. interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. *I have some sympathy for her, in that Ive seen how this is gendered in our culture, of women being trained not to ask for what they want/need (possibly more than in western cultures? Its just in the past year or so that its cropped up repeatedly, with different people at different establishments. Ive now got a standard policy of dont know, Ill have to check my calendar and get back to you. It doesnt sound like a lot of fun to me, though. This is how I deal with it: It seems to me to have grown somehow out of how do you do, to which the appropriate response was, of course, how do you do. Me: No can do. So, since my unspoken fear in this situation is that Ill have revealed my availability for an activity I dont want to do and that Ill be too polite to outright say I dont want to go, I figured I might as well express it, even if jokingly. It might be helpful to reframe this, because the vast majority of the time its not going to be meant as a high-pressure question. I still have the same question of why do this? I also feel compelled to give easy ways out when I feel like Im making a request, including ending requests with and no is a perfectly acceptable answer.. ME to GROUP CHAT: [Friend] and I are planning karaoke on [date] If you are available and interested, please let me know by [date] and Ill reserve a room! Thanks to this blog, mostly , Yeah, I also dont entirely understand how the question could be meant to make it easier to decline an invitation. Thanks, I woke up like this. There is literally a meme that says When you ask me what Im doing today and I say Nothing, it does not mean Im free. So, now give me my money back. It kind of sucks to be going about your business and then people remind you that you dont fit in. 21. I was taught that if you are actually inviting people for something, its rude to do it by asking them what theyre doing that night first, because it traps them without a believable excuse for saying no. When I was a teen or an adult who looked like a teen, I was very fond of, Ill have to ask my mother. I had as little to do with my mother as possible at the time, but I noticed this response was great at making creepy guys shrivel up and slink off.